Five months ago I turned paperwork over to the judge and he finalized my divorce. My husband—now ex-husband—having read none of the papers I’d given him the month before, was surprised when I called him. I felt free.
Today, though, five months feels nothing like restitution for the sixteen years I gave him, the years he spent trying to make me less than I was. There is still a lot of healing to get through. He took so much from me and left me with only shame, an entire world of it. I would like there to be a way to give it back to him—not turn it back on him, but to package it up and hand it to him.
“And here’s your wandering hands and cursed dick and blaming and accusations and lies. I think that’s everything. Oh, wait. Here’s your controlling nature and your pouty lip and your hot temper and your cruel family. Good riddance.”
And then it would rain, downpour a warm shower, and I’d stand in it and let it wash from me fingerprints I’ve of yet been unable to erase, let it cleanse the scar tissue so that, though it remains as a memory of my hard-fought battle, it doesn’t burn like the wounds are still fresh and raw.
I want him out of my life completely, but it seems I’ll need to come to terms with him being part of it because of the kids. It will be something I need to learn to cope with—long after the kids are grown, when five months turns to five years and five to ten and twenty. It’ll be a journey in itself.
But he can’t touch me again, and I can find comfort in that. I can make peace with the history he represents, and relegate my life with him to nothing but a moment. I can accept those sixteen years by honoring my memory in that time. The fire inside me never went out, no matter who tried to douse it or how. I kept it alive. I had the strength then and I have it now. Nothing will ever stop me again.
Five months freer, five months more independent, five months wiser, five months stronger, five months braver. Five months spent growing and healing and learning. Five months knowing I am good and loveable.
I am me—five months better than I’ve ever been before.