I keep worrying that, what if my life is actually really easy and I’m the one making it hard?
Am I just complaining too much? Expecting something better when it isn’t an option? Maybe everyone feels like I feel all the time, emotionally and physically, but I’m the one complaining about it? I’m the one who can’t handle it? Maybe everyone is tired all the time and tempted to fall asleep at every moment, but I’m the one who’s giving into it and complaining. There’s this amazing woman at Target who just completed her last round of chemotherapy, and she’s there every day and works so hard. I feel so whiny and weak compared to her. I’m in awe of her. And I feel ashamed.
What if I could actually be making enough money to survive each month and I’m just not trying hard enough? I’m likely bad at managing my money. I could probably eliminate my credit card debt if I did better. I wouldn’t need to borrow from my parents. What if I just suck at it, either because I don’t put the time into it I should or effort or just fail at it again and again?
What if my apartment is disorganized and messy because I’m just lazy? People keep clean houses all the time, with kids and pets and jobs. Why can’t I do that? Laziness and messiness seem like a plausible answer.
What if I’m the problem in this parenting thing? What if my stress and messy apartment and inability to cope with physical discomfort are the reason my daughter is struggling? The reason I’m overwhelmed with parenting?
I think it’s plausible that my view of my love life, and lack there of, is the same issue. People are single ALL THE TIME. What is my problem? Why can’t I just be happy as-is? Why do I need anyone? Or want anyone?
What if it’s all perspective, and I’m just doing it all wrong? What if I could improve myself and my life, and I’m just not doing it? I want to manage my money and life and family better, and I want to accept things as-is and still thrive. The only thing I can really change is me, but even as I say that, I wonder how I’ll find the time and energy to do that. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m failing at every turn.