The Fight Isn’t Over

I’m feeling an enormous amount of shame today, shame and worthlessness and everything that comes with them: hopelessness, sorrow, anger, lethargy, self-judgment. The trigger was a typical “not what I’m looking for” rejection, nothing significant, but I think I must have been ripe for the attack of shame and the sense of unwanted-ness that has... Continue Reading →

Do Not Be Silent

A friend reminded me today that those of us who have been hurt cannot stay silent. This is something I have known for a while and something I try to honor daily. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. It’s a struggle. Silence is so much easier than speaking out, than admitting the truth. If... Continue Reading →

Unlovable

Lovable: of such a nature as to attract; deserving; amiable; endearing. Unlovable: not lovable: of such a nature as to repel; undeserving; repulsive; hateful. I imagine everyone knows what it’s like to feel unlovable, if only briefly. It is a sense of unworthiness, a belief that there is no possible way or reason you could... Continue Reading →

Lousy with Deep Red Roses

In my haste to minimize my belongings, I didn’t see the brick wall coming. I opened the box: photo albums and picture frames. Easy. Save the pictures, give away the frames and albums. And then it was there staring at me: my wedding album. White and pearly with the words “our wedding” written in calligraphy... Continue Reading →

I Bring Myself Flowers

Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I remember my wedding day in emotions and moments that flash like snapped photos. Waking up with my sister beside me. My hair ratted and pinned in a way I both hated and felt I deserved. Getting dressed with my closest friends all around me. Laughing, smiling.... Continue Reading →

Five Months

Five months ago I turned paperwork over to the judge and he finalized my divorce. My husband—now ex-husband—having read none of the papers I’d given him the month before, was surprised when I called him. I felt free. Today, though, five months feels nothing like restitution for the sixteen years I gave him, the years... Continue Reading →

Secrets

We all keep secrets. Sometimes we keep them from ourselves. I’m an expert at this. I think it must have been something I learned to do. I think it must have taken some time to learn. But I don’t remember a beginning. I don’t remember the first time I lied to myself. I don’t remember... Continue Reading →

Unfreezing

Rough days come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes they’re caused by people or stressors outside of ourselves; sometimes they’re caused by what’s within. Sometimes both. Sometimes they freeze us so completely we can’t go forward or backward. Sometimes they last 72 hours. I’ve been having one of those days, but I’m inching my way... Continue Reading →

Basic Human Rights

I’ve read that a lot of people are praying for, sending thoughts to, supporting Paris in the aftermath of its recent tragedy. But I think it needs to be about more than just what happened in Paris this weekend. It needs to be about recognizing that there are evil and terrifying things in this world,... Continue Reading →

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