The Fight Isn’t Over

I’m feeling an enormous amount of shame today, shame and worthlessness and everything that comes with them: hopelessness, sorrow, anger, lethargy, self-judgment. The trigger was a typical “not what I’m looking for” rejection, nothing significant, but I think I must have been ripe for the attack of shame and the sense of unwanted-ness that has... Continue Reading →

Do Not Be Silent

A friend reminded me today that those of us who have been hurt cannot stay silent. This is something I have known for a while and something I try to honor daily. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. It’s a struggle. Silence is so much easier than speaking out, than admitting the truth. If... Continue Reading →

Five Months

Five months ago I turned paperwork over to the judge and he finalized my divorce. My husband—now ex-husband—having read none of the papers I’d given him the month before, was surprised when I called him. I felt free. Today, though, five months feels nothing like restitution for the sixteen years I gave him, the years... Continue Reading →

Silver Lining

A friend told me today about the elaborate plans he had for him and his girlfriend this weekend: a tango lesson and dinner at an uber fancy restaurant. It sounds nice, but it took me a little while to realize why this particular date was a big deal, and it took me a little longer... Continue Reading →

Secrets

We all keep secrets. Sometimes we keep them from ourselves. I’m an expert at this. I think it must have been something I learned to do. I think it must have taken some time to learn. But I don’t remember a beginning. I don’t remember the first time I lied to myself. I don’t remember... Continue Reading →

Unfreezing

Rough days come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes they’re caused by people or stressors outside of ourselves; sometimes they’re caused by what’s within. Sometimes both. Sometimes they freeze us so completely we can’t go forward or backward. Sometimes they last 72 hours. I’ve been having one of those days, but I’m inching my way... Continue Reading →

Knowing What’s Already There

I’m not writing tonight because of a special lesson I’ve learned or because something significant has happened. I’m putting down these words, because it’s been a difficult day with a lot of shame and pain and sadness, and I feel the need to be accountable for what I’ve being struggling through today. I’m waiting to... Continue Reading →

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