The Value of My Body

My body doesn’t belong to me. Or so I’ve been told and believed most of my life. Who, then, does it belong to? It is God’s temple; it is my husband’s property; it is the government’s, the church’s, a politician’s to make decisions about. I am merely the innkeeper. I keep it clean—in every sense... Continue Reading →

Knowing What I Know Now

I had a date last night, a first date with a guy I’d met on an online dating site. We’d hit it off right from the beginning, and there was definite chemistry when we met in person. We ate a late lunch and talked for hours. He asked me to be his girlfriend before the... Continue Reading →

Keeping a Handle on the Trigger

I haven’t written in while. It’s not that life has been quiet but that it’s racing past me. School has started for the year, and I can’t believe the summer is over. Vacations and work and counseling and memories and still taking days one at a time. I am moving forward, healing, having more positive... Continue Reading →

Lousy with Deep Red Roses

In my haste to minimize my belongings, I didn’t see the brick wall coming. I opened the box: photo albums and picture frames. Easy. Save the pictures, give away the frames and albums. And then it was there staring at me: my wedding album. White and pearly with the words “our wedding” written in calligraphy... Continue Reading →

I Bring Myself Flowers

Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I remember my wedding day in emotions and moments that flash like snapped photos. Waking up with my sister beside me. My hair ratted and pinned in a way I both hated and felt I deserved. Getting dressed with my closest friends all around me. Laughing, smiling.... Continue Reading →

Secrets

We all keep secrets. Sometimes we keep them from ourselves. I’m an expert at this. I think it must have been something I learned to do. I think it must have taken some time to learn. But I don’t remember a beginning. I don’t remember the first time I lied to myself. I don’t remember... Continue Reading →

What Pain Didn’t Teach Me

It somehow seems logical, doesn’t it, that the introduction and relief of physical pain would mimic the same in emotional pain? And that, therefore, existing emotional pain might find relief in the introduction and removal of physical pain. It doesn’t, though. It doesn’t even make the emotional pain more tangible. Instead, it just tears the... Continue Reading →

In Memory Of

Some of the most difficult shame to heal from is that resulting from emotions we don’t feel worthy enough to have. We argue that we haven’t hurt enough or that others have dealt with more. We criticize what we feel, call it something else, or deny it completely. We see a world with so much... Continue Reading →

You Are Worthy

Shame is a parasite. A sickness that bores its way into you, bedding itself inside your core, presumably, perceivably dormant, but licking steadily at already sore, already raw pain. It eats away at kindness and love, those which you might give yourself, except for the growing illness coiling its way around your spirit like a... Continue Reading →

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